My path in life
Who am I?
My name is Mikael Ananda and this is a story of my life and some of the knowledge I found the way.
It all started very early for me. I remember many long nights of lying in bed, not being able to sleep. I had many problems as a child with pains in my body. All that agony and pain started a strange and beautiful journey for me. I was often overcome by strong feelings. More than the pain of my headaches or stomachaches, there was a feeling of separation that created a great sorrow in my heart. The intensity of the feelings that swept over me pushed me further and further and brought me into new states of conscience.
After lying in bed for a long time I could not find anything to think about. The sound of the clock in my room absorbed my awareness. Tick, tick, tick, tick. The sound was so loud and intense. After awhile my senses started to get more sensitive and more in tune with the surrounding. I remember listening to the sound created from my pillow when moving my head slightly. The sound was so strong and so clear, like walking in thick snow on a cold day. I could hear my own breath, slow and rhythmic, and my heart and the sound of the blood in my veins was so clear and strong.
My nightly adventures went to become a routine. If I focus with all of my attention on one point, like my breath I would get deeper and deeper into the experience. Often the breath played a big role complementing and giving more focus to whatever was happening. Sometimes I was breathing fast, sometimes as slow as possible. The breath had a life of its own and I only followed with great interest to see what would happen next. At the time I had no direct goal with the experience. It was more something happening to me than something I was trying to create. I just put my focus onto something and waited with curiosity on what would come next. There where many interesting experiences that could arise. For example, I could spend a long time focusing on my feet and it felt like they were growing larger and larger. Sometimes I felt like I had a warm fur covering my body.
Eventually, the sensations absorbed me so totally that there was nothing to do but surrender everything, leaving everything behind. No thought, no reflection, nothing but pure impression. Time stood still, and everything was suddenly totally calm. I could feel as standing in front of a great gate. All my energy was focused on the door, and I was getting closer and closer. As I surrendered deeper into the experience I could see the doors opening slowly and a bright light was coming out showering me with its rays. At this time I had to stay totally focused. As I slowly was to enter the gate I needed to be perfectly still in my mind. The experience grew stronger and stronger and if I for even a second would hesitate and move my focus away from the light to reflect on the experience, the doors would slowly shut in my face again. The experience was so intense that this often would be the case. For just a second a thought arose in my mind, “This is wonderful!”, and just like that I did not pass the gates. But once in a while, I did, and the light would totally surround me and made it practically impossible for me to think or reflect on anything anymore. The experience changed, just like waking up from sleep I woke up from the adventure I have just gone through and looked around me in the room where I was lying in bed. It was just like normal again, but not really. Everything was so crisp clear. Everything so fresh and alive. The mind was totally at rest, open. The experience of the room was so full and so complete, and I was truly happy and calm. This was my true self. This was the source and I felt like coming back home.
The pure and full experience of the present moment is what you are. I am that.
This was the beginning of my way and my search for truth. What is this? Who am I? And what is the purpose of all this?
I did not think about my extraordinary experience at the time. I am not sure that I even remembered them until much later in life. I did not talk about it with my friends or family and the only direct memory I have from it was the many times I woke up from sleep and has strange sensations in my body. Sometimes I was crying and my mother came to see what had happened. Several times we went to a hospital trying to explain the numbness that I could feel in my hands at times. Now I remember more clearly what had happened.
The inner guide
I will try to explain in some detail how an intuitive meditation might look like but observe that you have to follow your own guide to succeed.
I started by following the breath inwards and outwards. Listening to every little noise that I could hear. Synchronizing the speed of my breath to the beat of my heart. Counting how many heartbeats I was beating in, holding my breath and then breathing out. This could continue for some time. I was breathing more and more intensive filling and emptying my lungs completely. Suddenly I felt an urge to hold my breath. I did this over and over again. Changing between breathing fast, slow, deep, shallow and holding my breath. All inspired by my intuition or my inner wisdom.
As the night continued the practice started to change. My absorption into the feelings of my breath and my body often made me aware of small sensations that I could feel. The feeling inside my mouth, on my feet, or on my hands. I focused my attention naturally on the sensations that drew my attention. Following with care every little feeling, like soft tingling or the warmness flowing in or outside my body.
It becomes more and more interesting as the sensations grow from my increased focus on what is happening. Soon, new feelings, colors, sounds start to appear and fills and adds to my experience. After a while the experience is so intense that I can feel the energy building up in my body, becoming stronger and stronger. I can come into different states, where I can feel my feet growing out of proportion, or where I feel like I am covered in a warm fur. Energies can start pulsating up along my spine and up in my head. All the time I am concentrated, following the feelings and in a way directing it where it needs to go. It is like I know what to be done and what to expect.
As this continues for a long time and the energy is strong, I could suddenly feel that the time has come to continue further. To let go of everything. To surrender to the whole complete feeling of everything. Just being there, not controlling, not directing, only being and accepting. After hours of being in this experience, the feeling grows stronger and stronger and I can feel as if I am in a tunnel going towards a while light.
The experience is so beautiful. At this point, I know that if I start to reflect on what is happening with my thinking mind, it will soon come to an end, and the gate of light closes its doors. In that case, I have to start over again, not always able to find the energy for another try. But if I stay in the feeling, without any thought, the light grows stronger, and eventually, I pass through the gates and find myself embraced in light, so strong that I am unable to think or do anything any more. I feel the energy flowing through my body and great joy fills the room.
As all this starts to pas, I find myself back in my room. Like waking up from a dream but with a feeling so fresh and so pure. Everything is just like it used to, but still, everything is so clear and good. The thoughts are not there anymore and the thinking mind does not try to take any more space. It is just me and the room. I walk around in the room, amazed at the new quality of my awareness.
Take control of your mind with logic
To understand logic has been very important to me and computers are a good way of learning it. When the computer starts it has nothing in “mind”. Then it reads one command at the time, step by step, building up a complex system with the functions that you need. Everything is dictated by logic as logic is the language the computer uses. You must do everything in the right way following strict logic, or it will not function at all.
The human mind functions very similarly, but we are not only using logical thinking. We also have the possibility to act on feelings and emotions. Most people do not understand this and instead of actively creating their behaviors they spend their time reacting on external stimuli and letting their emotions run their lives. Are your behavior and thoughts logical? What assumptions have you made and what are they based upon? Many people create negative assumptions based on fear and do not question them. With the wrong assumption, you will not act in the best way.
Look if your actions meet your needs. If not, Can you imagine how you would like to act instead? Then store that in your mind as a possibility on how to act in the future. In this way, you can reprogram your reactions and create a better situation for yourself. Of course, it is not always easy to replace the behavior with another one. Our programming runs deep but when we look at the programs from a logical point of view over and over again you can start to see what you like to change and that is already creating changes in your mind. You are slowly taking control of the situation. If you put this into a regular practice you will soon see change happening. This is so close to how I work with a computer program that is not operating in the right way. I search for the problem, look at all calculations and adjust it so that it will work next time.
The human condition
When I was studying computer science in college I was doing very well. I passed the exams without the hassle and I was making money developing software on the side. While most other people were in constant worries about how they were doing and what they needed to learn to get the grades they wanted, I just relaxed and absorbed the things that I wanted to know. Even when lectures were difficult to understand I did not feel pressured about it. I trusted that it would become clear to me soon enough if there was anything to learn from it. In this way, my mind was often relaxed and open to new impressions. This made my life simple and good. When I looked to my fellow students I could clearly see that what they experienced was like a sickness of humanity. To always want something that you do not have and never take the time to enjoy what you have got.
The path to enlightenment
My search for my true self had been on hold since my childhood experiences. Not until I was in my twenty’s I rediscovered it when I found the path of Zen. Zen is a Buddhist spiritual tradition that is based on personal experience and not in words or teachings. Zazen or sitting silent meditation is the base of the Zen practice and there is only one belief; That being totally absorbed in the senses will lead you to a state of absolute truth where all suffering and fear will dissolve. The discovery of Zen opened up memories of the experiences I had in my early years and I became sure that I was to continue the work that I once had started. For many years I was doing meditation and going to week-long silent retreats to deepen my practice. I was working hard, but my efforts did not take me as far as I wanted. I was surprised to learn that what I would experience in one night as a child lying in my bed without any special intention could take a good week of constant meditation in a retreat to achieve. My mind had much more will of its own, and to focus wholeheartedly on one thing was difficult with thoughts constantly disturbing me.
Meditation is about stilling the mind’s chatter. You might believe that the dialogues or thoughts in your head are the source of yourselves, of your intelligence. This is a great mistake. I have learned this first hand by experiencing how it feels like not having any chatter or any thought in my mind for whole days on end. Going to retreats I was very surprised to see that I could do many things without the assistance of thought. I could brush my teeth, eat breakfast, go to meditation classes and so on. Sure it was a great help to be on a retreat where everything was ordered and where I did not need to decide on anything, but never the less, seeing my own body operate like if left on its own was impressive, to say the least.
My understanding is that the mind is a tool that can be used to solve mental tasks. The mind is in turn operated from another higher intelligence that does not need words. What I have come to understand is that when I use my thoughts it drains my energy and I get less alert and become tired. On the other hand, when I still my mind, it builds energy and I feel strong and more energized. If I am able to hold my focus and concentration on one thing my awareness and concentration get stronger. When I choose to only use my thoughts when needed, my energy levels will stay high. When I then choose to think about something I find myself full of great ideas that seem to come from nowhere. This is because my higher intelligence will get the time to look at the situation without the interference of my thoughts.
If I am continuously stilling the mind, focusing on my breath, my concentration will begin to build up. In the beginning, thoughts flood my mind and it can feel like it is impossible not to be drawn into dreams and toughs. This is a natural consequence of the fact that we all too often have been dwelling in our minds for a long time. The good thing is that when I do the practice the concentration grows and the thoughts get less and less energy. After a while, it becomes easy to focus on the breath or whatever arises in the field of awareness. If I keep focusing in this manner for an extended time, over days or weeks I will, at last, come to a turning point where I actually need to focus myself to be able to create a thought. This is a state of no-mind. I believe that this state is the beginning of what is called enlightenment or awakening.
Zen has two major practices. One is to work with a question, a koan. With every out-breath of every day think to yourselves, who am I? Or shorter just, Who? This creates a focal point that is easy to come back to and remember. It absorbs the thinking mind, creates a focus on the body, as you feel the belly move in and out and it opens up for a curious exploration of the present moment. When this practice has accumulated a lot of concentration and energy I usually change to the second practice of zazen; A state of just being. To observe anything and everything with full attention not doing anything to change the situation. This is the Zen practices and you can use it right away if you want to explore these states of awareness. It is not difficult at all, it only needs your time, dedication and the power to let go of everything over and over again, to return to the practice. If you get a strong experience, do not think anything of it. Let it go and return to the practice.
The world is not what it looks like
The outside world had not made much of an impression on me. I managed to spend most of my time outside of the normal social scene. I just manage to stay floating without doing more than necessary. I did not feel that I fitted in in the norm of society. All the social games, the news and so on made no real sense to me. I more or less looked towards the so-called normal people and the authorities as lost in confusion. I could see that the school was not really teaching us what was important, as well as I could see that politics was not addressing the important issues either. I did not think much of it, but I was hoping that eventually, I was to be able to start learning something useful and exciting in school.
As I was studying the last years of advanced computer engineering I had already understood that most people were just floating around in constant fear and worry about any little thing and that if I wanted to learn anything, my best option was to do it by myself. I was starting to study holistic and alternative approaches to health and was more and more intrigued by all the information that I never had been in contact with through my years in school. Together with friends, we looked at documentaries about all kinds of things that sounded interesting. How to eat in ways that strengthen our body, how we could use plants to heal ourselves and many more things. At the same time, we started to understand that food and medications contained poisons and that many things in society were not working well at all. Everything was pointing towards the fact that what we had been told all our life as fact was not the whole truth at all, and that in reality there was a huge scope of alternative information challenging almost every aspect of the traditional understanding.
I was in my last semester when I stopped going to school. I had understood that there was no need for the approval of the authorities and that there was nothing to learn in school that I could not find a better way of studying and learning myself. I continued working as a computer engineer for a couple of years saving every penny, but I knew that this was not the path that I wanted to continue. I was ready to accept change.
The corruption of men
The change came, and it came strong when I and my friends looked at a very interesting documentary film. The film set out to explained how a group of elite insiders, politicians and corporate leaders were manipulating the population to be able to gain more control and power.
It all made sense. I could suddenly understand why the school system was doing so poorly, why people were in constant fear and why no one was addressing the real issues. It was all part of world programming. we were all being taught those behaviors so that we could be easily controlled and managed. One week after I had seen the movie I had already started a new internet community to discuss the issues. This was the start of several years of political activism and a search into the truth of reality.
Many people would think that this kind of reasoning was too simplistic and only a false way to try to explain the complex human nature. If a conspiracy that big was taking place people would soon know it and put a stop to it. The truth is that this kind of control has been in place for thousands of years under different forms. Just think about how religion has been used to mold people’s minds. This is a new religion, nothing has really changed except on the outside. For most people even to accept the possibility of such a different way to view the world is not within their capacity. To me, it was easy to open my eyes. I did not have much invested in the “norms” of society and was deeply rooted in the feeling of “I am”, that was much stronger to me then this so-called “reality”. Over the years I have come to understand that most people act on very basic needs and that the need to be accepted in a group, is one of the most important. If this need is in any way threatened by new ideas your mind will react by trying to defend the old, “safe” view of reality. The only way to change a strong point of view is to present a new option that can provide a better prospect of providing security and acceptance. This is why it is and always has been so easy to control people. We are just not able to see it.
Logic and reasoning
When you start exploring the rabbit hole you are in for a ride. I understand why it can be difficult for many people. To look at pain and suffering around you is not easy and I can see the logic in turning a blind eye towards all the problems in the world. But if we are able to look a little bit further and imagine a world for our children and grandchildren, the need to look at the current situation and to find solutions to the problems we have is of great importance. To be able to go through all this information you need a good and sound way of reasoning. What to believe and why? If you always apply logic to your reasoning you will do good, but if you believe or disbelieve on the basis of feelings and intuition you are an easy target. I do not mean that you should not listen to your gut feeling, often I think my intuition gives me a good idea, but some times it’s just plain wrong. Today much information about our reality can be found by anyone who has access to the internet. To counteract the spread of truth the biggest weapon is disinformation, created to confuse and to arouse conflicts. Be sure to only read as much as you need to know to have a basic understanding. If it is something depressing or awful, stop reading it. Stay focused and do not get caught in suffering. We need to be positive and to focus on that we will use this information to create peace, not to get depressed. Be aware that everything and anything might be a lie. Even if much seems so true this can be the bait to get you hooked on some never-ending story without any benefit. We have to stay rational, not giving in to your feelings. Your time is precious, use it wisely.
To disbelieve in what is true is just as a big mistake as believing in what is false. Many people I have met in my work with social issues have had strange ideas about a lot of things. Sure, many things I believe in would sound strange for other people, but I make sure to have an open mind and never take my own beliefs too seriously. To navigate in the jungle of ideas I make sure not to believe I know the truth about anything. Instead, I stay aware of the fact that I only believe and that I am open to change my beliefs at any time I get new information.
To stay away from wrong ideas, stop making assumptions. In a effort to create a nice and structured world view many people are inclined to make assumptions without facts. Making assumptions will eventually lead to a false world view and will create unnecessary problems. Stay away from this habit and make sure that what you choose to believe follows clear logic. If you catch one man in a brown coat stealing from you, do you assume all men in brown coats are thieves? No, of course not. But if you encounter five men in brown coats stealing from you the same month, you would probably get some suspicions. But to assume that the next man you see wearing a brown coat is there to steal still holds false.
Another important thing is to always rate the importance of the information for your own life. If I am reading about something that does not have a direct effect on my life I have no reason to have a strong belief about it. I just settle with knowing that I do not know. In the end I understand that I can not know anything for sure, almost all information we get is coming through sources that we can not control or rely on. The news, the politicians, the academics, they have all been caught over and over again, falsifying information to earn an extra buck. If you take anything for granted you will not get the truth. For every action, you are about to do, think to yourself: Why am I doing this? What importance does it have? If you notice that it is not very important, stop it right away and focus on something that you know will be interesting and useful for you.
The ruling structures
The way to control people is simple and elegant. By influencing the structure and norms of society the people will follow. This is partly done by using the primal human needs and urges as a weapon against the population by creating a feeling of lack, fear and separation. This will trigger the people to accept authority, hardship and injustice. People will comply as their lives depend on it. The group mentality will sett in and the one who seems the strongest will be accepted as the leader. The more fear the less possibility for anyone to be able to think outside the norms and to look for new possibilities. Everyone wants to be accepted and the norms are the scale of how successful you are. The control of the norms is accomplished through the control of the media were you easily can see what kind of behavior that is being pushed forward. A culture of craving and wanting, cruelty and violence.
The way to control us already starts in school. Children are being separated from their families many hours a day and are put into new environments. In many cases, these places are full of fear out of getting excluded or bullied by others. Then we are told to accept information from an authority, in this case, a teacher, and we learn how to get rewards and status by being able to recite the information we get at will. Classes about taking responsibility, thinking rationally, caring for others’ needs and solving conflicts are not on the schedule. This is all it takes to control our behavior and the same pattern is found in all of society. People generally accept doing things that they do not want to do, only to get a form of reward. And the people who are best at doing so are promoted into positions of power where they gladly accept new authorities to tell them how to act to get the status and money that they crave for.
In this way, the control of the authorities, the organizations, political parties, banks, corporations and so on are secured. In the end, we have nothing more than a pyramid of power, where people are not even aware that they are being used by others.
This all would not be possible without a secret weapon. In the past, the rulers were either backed up by god, by an army or both. Now the control is created in a new shape; By the creation of money out of nothing. The invention of paper money took the world by storm. Many people think that paper money in some way represents real value. This is not the case today. In fact, money is created without almost any backing what so ever and is used to get control of our society and the real resources of the earth.
Think of it as playing a game of monopoly where one of the players have access to the money in the bank. He can buy anything he wants for any price and will always end up as the winner. The game is rigged and nothing can change this until the people understand that the banks are cheating and we start rewriting the rules. All the debt and poverty that this creates are just symptoms of the rigged system. Everyone but one must, in the end, go into bankruptcy. But as long as we allow the banks to continue to create new paper money to lend out to those in need, it can still last for a long, long time.
I was working hard to spread this information to everyone interested, handing out leaflets with information, organizing events and so on. I started to make Swedish subtitles for documentaries, print and fold covers and burn DVDs that I then gave away for donations. I hoped that people would wake up and join the truth re-evolution, but the acceptance of these subjects grew very slowly stronger. It took several years before we had a decent organization in place and had a few information warriors working in their spare time. We were doing a lot of things, but the highlight for me was the monthly gathering in the cultural center of Stockholm, meeting other people, selling t-shirts, showing documentaries and enjoying ourselves. We continued to do gatherings every month for several years. Even in the freezing cold winter evenings, we were out there giving away hot drinks and cookies while continuing our great work. The website was constantly growing in popularity. Now I am proud to say that the small community I once created has grown into probably the largest alternative news site in Sweden. The name of the site is Vaken (www.vaken.se) and is the Swedish word for awake.
I enjoyed to do this kind of work, but I wanted something more. It was not as effective as I wanted. Many people were not waking up and even those that had a good theoretical understanding would not necessarily have an equal chance in their lifestyle and habits. I was longing for more change and I was looking for other ways. I was already into vegetarian food, alternative medicine and so on, but I wanted to take another step out of Babylon.
Another way of living
It started one day when I was walking around with my friends in a large forest outside of Stockholm. I love walking in nature. Sweden has a lot of nature and where I lived there was a beautiful natural park. I and my best friends were walking along one of the many lakes when we suddenly saw a tipi standing in the forest. We started walking towards the tipi that was made out of a green plastic tarp and some freshly cut poles. There we met Juan, a Spanish man who had come to Sweden to get into the spirit of the north. He was reading a book about Nordic culture and was creating wood carvings with symbols and motives inspired by his journey. We could not speak to him, as he did not know any English or Swedish, and no one of us knew Spanish. But never the less we stayed there long into the night, sitting in his tipi boiling tea, looking at the fire and looking at each other. The quietness and the peace that we were experiencing made a strong impression. So strong impression that my friend Artur decided to stay overnight, and in a matter of days he and my other good friend Niklas had built their own tipi just a little bit further away.
This was the start of one of the most interesting times of my life. I still kept my apartment and was working a bit, but most of the time I was out with my friends and we kept on doing the ritual of looking into the fire, talking about life and having a lot of fun. With time came a solar panel, light and music, and a wood burner to keep the cold out. We even had a small handheld computer and Niklas was actually programming a 3D editor software on his palm pilot. If you imagine living in Sweden in the winter you will understand why all this was something of an accomplishment. It can get down to -20 degrees Celsius in the wither and the days are really short. This did not seem to bother them at all and soon there were more people who wanted to join and build tipis of their own. In the summers I was living there myself while renting out all the rooms in my apartment to other people. Life was simple and good.
We thought of ourselves as cyber indians. Living a good simple life with all the comfort that we needed and on a minimal budget. This was such a relief in comparison with having the pressure of working to pay the rent and all the other things. In the forest, we did not need much at all and we had the best times ever. It was like a long vacation that lasted for about five years before they finally moved on. Of course, they were not self-sufficient, and eventually, the money would run out. But the lesson about the way of the simple life was an important one. We all knew that ordinary life was not what we aspired for.
Make good use of what you have
Everyone knows that money does not make you happy, but most people are still trying to buy themselves happiness. It is sad but true. I had the great fortune of understanding how to save money early on. My mother did not have much money so I was used to having only a few things, but she managed on a tight budget to save enough money for us to go on a skiing vacation every year in the mountains. My grandmother was always saving and buying the food that was on sale, even though she had more money than she needed. Then she took the food that she bought and gave it away to us. She even took the money she had saved and gave it to her children and her grandchildren, and in time to their children as well. This was a great inspiration to me. I began to save my own money and I have continued to do so. To save has always felt good for me. It is like saving energy to use when needed. If I ever wanted to do anything, or buy anything I knew that I could. I had that power, but I did not need to use it often.
To be able to save would not have been possible if I did not resist the urge to buy all the things that I wanted. I was a computer guy and all the electronics, sound systems, and phones where always very interesting to me. I choose not to get all of these things, instead, I looked for a good offer and bought something that would last. The few times that I did buy something out of the ordinary I was often surprised that it did not give me the satisfaction I was hoping for. What was satisfying me was to use my resources in a good way. Buying something on sale was like earning money to me. Every good deal I made on something that I really needed was making me feel good. When I go shopping I first look at the prices of the items that I need. When it comes to food I look at the price per kilo and I compare. When it comes to clothes I look at what is on sale. I understood that every bit of money that I managed to save I could use to do and live the life that I truly wanted to live. For every coin that I save I could buy free time and increase my possibilities. Money is time. And I like to have a lot of free time.
Most people have an opposite view on money. To work as hard as possible, get as much money as possible and then spend it on the little time you have left by buying as expensive things as you can afford. It is a sad truth. People are even borrowing money to spend and then they have to work twice as hard to repay the debt. Most people do not have any free time. And why? They spend all their money on unnecessary things. Expensive clothes, equipment and so on. It is like they are afraid to have anything left at the end of the month, and to save or to work less seems to be thought of like being poor and a failure. I have come to understand that if you want to have the possibility to truly be happy you need to stop spending. What you want and what you need is something that you have to look at. In reality, you almost do not need anything material at all. The standards of our society is too high and it is not an efficient nor good way of living.
In college, everyone was complaining about money. In Sweden, the government pays for your education and you even get about 200 € in pocket money as a student. On top of this everyone was borrowing about 500 € more from the government for a low interest. This did not change the fact that almost everyone I knew in college was constantly complaining about how little money they had. No wonder. The first two weeks of the month they were eating pizza and drinking beer every night and on the two last weeks they were eating instant noodles, and complaining about it. I guess that they thought that noodles were poor man’s food, but never took the time to look at the kilo price. Noodles are actually expensive and lack any nutrition. Please do not get upset if you were doing this as well. I am not out to judge anyone. This only shows how people, in general, do not think and just adapt to the norms of things. I did not take any money from the government at all as I was already earning a good income, but still I spent only a fraction of what most people around me did.
Communication with empathy
One of the biggest things that happened to me in my life was when a friend of mine came with a book called “Non-violent communication, the Language of Life” by Marchal Rosenberg and wanted me to read it. He was sounding a bit like he just came from a Saturday Saints meeting so I was a bit skeptical, but I decided to read it. It truly was incredible. I had been interested in the Buddhist philosophy of doing good, being kind and so on, but never had I got any hands on techniques. This book changed that. The message of the book was that our language was easy to use in a way that created misunderstanding and conflict. There are many words that do not have an exact definition and thus are open to your own interpretations and values. For example, if you take the word dirty. If something is dirty it can mean anything from that is not totally polished to that it is covered in mud. When we are using words that do not have an exact meaning it is easy, out of fear, to assume the worst and then you have a conflict started.
I was so inspired by this new and profoundly honest and true way of speaking that I started to study it more in depth, I read more material and started to study zen coaching. I ended up creating my own coursebook in positive communication and coaching.
You can always express yourselves in a way where you ask other people to help you to meet your needs, instead of telling people what they did wrong. For example, you can say: I do not like when you put your clothes in a pile on the floor. Or you can say: Can you be so kind as to fold your clothes and put them on a chair? The way you say it makes the whole difference. If you are making demands on the people surrounding you they will rebel, but if you are asking for help they will often feel happy to contribute.
You can even communicate in a way that helps other people to understand themselves better. One of the biggest reasons that we start a conversation with someone is that we are looking for contact. When we made contact we meet a basic need and we feel relaxed and refreshed. We have contact when we feel that we understand each other. The deepest contact is made when we both understand each other’s feelings and longings. In everything that we do, we try to meet a need. Any actions you or anyone else does is based on a desire to meet a beautiful longing. Everyone may not have the knowledge to convey their needs in a satisfactory manner and that may be perceived by others as being selfish or cruel.
To connect with another person is about really listening with curiosity and trying to understand what the beautiful need is that the other person is trying to convey. What lies behind the words? What emotions are hiding there? What desire are the words trying to convey? To try to understand someone else is to listen with empathy. Trying to understand what is happening right now in the person that you are talking to. Human contact is in itself a basic need and when we meet someones need for contact he or she will feel relaxed and safe. From this relaxed state, it is easier to continue exploring the situation.
To practice this can make a big difference, but it takes time and you need to work at it hard. It is a great way of solving conflicts and I have had good use out of it. It is also a great way of getting close to someone else, by really listening to the needs and longings that the other person has. It all boils down to our basic needs. I am, I feel, I need. If you can see someone else for who they truly are you can share a moment of silence with them and you will discover a depth that is so beautiful and clear. This is meditation in practice. As a coach, I can support someone else to look at the feelings and needs behind the thoughts they have. When the thoughts finally let go and you are just being with what is, the experience is so relaxing and wonderful. From this peace, new ideas and strategies will manifest themselves without effort.
Solving the conflict with the system
During the years when we were living in the forest we got in to some trouble with the system. We had no right to camp in the middle of the natural park so we were expecting something sometime. One day we got a call from a friend and he was saying that they were burning down our things. We were in town at the time and started to run towards the forest. When we came there we met three men standing in the residues of what had previously been my friend’s home. I walked up to them and started to ask them questions using my mobile phone to record. To start with they were not willing to speak to us and one of the men was angry and was threatening us. After a while, they calmed down and we started to speak. Apparently they had orders to clean the place up, and the orders came from the local council. I asked how they could do such a thing as it was apparent that someone was living there. They told me that they were sad about having to burn down the nice tipis but when it came down to it, they just could not question their boss out of the risk of losing their job. They could not stop and think of the moral and ethical effects of their work. This made me realize more in depth about how people function and why good people do bad things. In fact, the people burning down the tipis did have responsibility for their actions, and if they were to be prosecuted they could face time in jail. Obviously they had not thought about that when they carried out their orders.
I got the contacts to the people in charge and invited them to a meeting in the forest. They accepted and sometime later we were serving tea to the local authorities and the cleaning company that was involved. We decided to stay calm and polite, explaining our situation. We had a camera recording the meeting which ended with them promising to repay the losses that we had and telling us that they were sorry for the misunderstanding. In reality, I think that they understood that it was a quite serious offense to burn down the tipis and that they were happy to pay themselves out of any more trouble.
But it did not end there. The council was set on having us out of the park and after some time when we had rebuilt all the tipis we all got an eviction notice on our doorstep. It stated that we were to leave if we did not want the police to come and take care of the situation. Just like the last time I invited them out for a meeting and again they accepted. I was just in the middle of my positive communication training and wanted to put it to the test. Before the meeting, I prepared my friends on how to communicate with empathy and we decided never to get hostile, never to be rude and only to speak with empathy. It was a total success. There is nothing that can put someone’s guard down like being kind. If there is no one to project your inner image of an enemy onto it will be very difficult to continue to fight. When they told us that we needed to go we did not respond by saying that we did not care and that we would stay there anyway. We responded by saying that we wanted to understand why we could not stay there and saying that we much prefer staying. We told them that we were sure that we could come to a mutual understanding where all of our needs would be met. After talking for a while they left, never to bother us again.
To me, this was proof that peace is the only way out of the current situation. First, we need to stand up to the negative behaviors of society. Then we need to teach the authorities to take responsibility for their actions and show that peace and kindness is the way. I know that this makes a lasting impression. Of course, you can not expect to always get away with a peaceful approach, but as soon as you resort to the language of violence you are on the losing side, as the system has the tools of violence and you are helpless in that game. If you can not win their game, why not change the game and play a game of peace instead?
This relationship in-between man and woman is a delicate one, and to find the proper balance is important to be able to grow.
To me, it is obvious that women are to be protected and cared for, and that this is an important task of the man. The woman is the source of love and beauty. Naturally, the woman has to care for the babies, always nourishing them, giving them their unlimited softness and care. This openness and responsibility of the woman makes her naturally vulnerable. The man, on the other hand, is the protector of life, making sure that all women have safe passage in this world. He is her devotee, as she is his goddess. When they are in balance with each other they can support each other, giving each other what they need to be complete. When the woman feels safe, she can blossom and give her unconditional love to everyone in her way, but if she feels afraid she can easily become sad and unbalanced.
I had started to study tantra when I was about thirteen. Somewhere I had come across a book that explained the principles of how sexual energies are flowing in the body. I was practicing the techniques by my self and understood that the sexual energies and the spiritual energies was closely interconnected. The teachings of Tantra explains how we can slow down our impulses and gain control over our energies. In this way, sexual energies can grow steadily for a long time and culminate in an amazing experience. It is similar to the experience of entering the tunnel of white light that I had felt in my intuitive meditations. I have written a small text on Tantra that is to be found later on in this book that explains this practice in more detail.
At the time I was studying this I had no girlfriend and It would take me almost ten years until I was in my first relationship. My first relationship lasted for five years and soon afterward I started a new relationship that lasted five more years. I have a lot of good memories from these times, but also a lot of suffering.
I was hoping that I had learned my lessons about relationships and I was set on finding a woman that shared my own world view and still was strong and independent. It came suddenly when I met the future mother of my children. I thought that she was the perfect match for me and we had a strong passion for each other. We shared an interest in meditation, positive communication, and social issues. When I met her she already had a son that was soon three years old and she was looking towards creating a family. The real father had been abusive and was out of the picture. I had to make a big decision; Am I willing to become a father? After much consideration, I took on that responsibility, and suddenly I had a family.
It all happened so fast and it was nothing like I had in mind. The struggle of suddenly having a family and a child was overwhelming. I spent almost full time in the home trying to take care of things. It was not easy. The boy was almost in constant distress and we soon began to have big difficulties in the family. We were working hard to make things work but it was a constant struggle. After a year or so we decided to have a child of our own as I thought that this would make the family more complete. In all of this, I realized that the problems we had slowly shifted away from our first son and towards our own relationship. The stress from my partner’s previous life became apparent with anger, frustration, and sadness coming fourth. She became more and more unsatisfied with the situation and with me. I did what I could but I did not manage to meet her needs. This was all too much for me and I became very frustrated, sad and angry.
I had my own emotional trauma from childhood and the stress of family life made old feelings come up to the surface. I did my very best to keep my feelings inside, not give in to my sadness and suffering, but I was failing. I come to realize that I have many more things to take care of within myself. Much of the pain I had in my life was suppressed and stored in my body, and especially in my stomach. When the stress became too much for me I got caught in my old feelings of being deserted and excluded, and I could not be the support needed for either my partner or my oldest son that was still having many difficulties.
As I understand it we have a habit of reliving past traumas. When we are triggered by a situation that has something in common with an early traumatic memory we suddenly change to an emotional mind state. It is in a way the same mind that we had when we were children experiencing the trauma. As the mind of the child is not very developed and its powers very limited the responses are often primitive and desperate. It can be expressed as strong fears, to intense anger. It can also be in the form of irrational thoughts about our selves or other people. Often taking the false blame for the parents negative behaviors in an attempt to start trusting and accepting them again.
When we get into this mental state as adults we take the current situation and start applying the desperate emotions and the primitive logic to it. This always results in chaotic behavior where we can start to relive our old experience or express it on others. The challenge is to see when this happens and from there, be able to separate what was in the past and what is in the present. When we have that understanding we can start healing our old traumas and our relationships. We can live out old pain and express it in a way that we never allowed ourselves before, but without directing it on our partner. We can also give support to the little child within us, as an adult with unconditional love and clear logic, and we can look at our present problem with our partner from a rational adult mind state rather than an emotional child mind.
In search of happiness
We decided that we were going to look for a better life outside of the system. We wanted a place in nature, where the children could go to a small alternative school and where we could spend our days doing meditation, healing ourselves, and working to create peace. The land was to have spring water, south facing slopes and plenty of fruit trees. We imagined a peace village where people could work together to create gatherings, courses, and activism. This was the start of a long adventure traveling around Sweden, Spain, and Portugal to find that special place.
I liked to travel. We met new people and experienced a lot of new situations. It was an interesting life. But the troubles in the family would not end, and throughout the whole journey, we were having arguments about every little thing you could imagine. It felt to me like there was always suffering and dissatisfaction around every corner. I was trying to listen and to be supportive, but all the pain and agony was difficult for me to handle, especially when the dissatisfaction was aimed towards me. It all reminded me of my painful childhood memories.
We traveled around Spain eventually ending up in Orgiva on the south coast. It was a place where travelers and hippies from all over the world came to stay. Coming from Sweden it was quite a shock for us to see the conditions people were living in. In Sweden, it would not be considered acceptable to live in a caravan, but here people were living in anything you can imagine. Old bus wreaks, rebuilt water tanks, homemade straw houses, yurts and so on. Sometimes it looked like a “Mad Max” post-apocalyptic place where you would not walk around alone in the middle of the night. It took us some time to feel relaxed in this new strange environment. But after a while we could see that most people were friendly and that it was not so bad after all.
We were living in a nice large tipi, looking around for land to buy for our project. To our surprise, the prices was all out of our range. We could spend more money in this place to get a piece of land with no water and covered in rock, than a similar size piece of land back home in Sweden with a well and a house ready to move in to.
In Orgiva I met a good friend, his name was Ras and he was a Rastafari. I did not know much about that tradition at the time and was interested to know more. He was such a gentleman, always kind and welcoming. He explained that one thing you needed to do to become a Rastafari was to be positive at least 95% of the time. I could see that he was taking this seriously and that he indeed was being very positive. I saw something good and I wanted to do it as well so I took on a personal challenge to become positive. For a whole month, I managed to be positive. This made such a change in my family life. Everyone was happier, I did not become angry with my older son when he was making trouble and I did not become irritated when my partner was in a bad mood. In fact everyone became more calm and relaxed. I understood that my behavior was setting an example for the whole family and that I had the possibility to change my situation for the better. But then we had to move to another place, and I could not see Ras as much. My positive vibration started to fade and I found myself slipping back to my old habits.
We stayed in Orgiva for a while, living in Benificio and Elmorion that were community-like areas with alternative people living. At the end of our stay, we actually ended up living in one of the areas that we at first, when we arrived to Ogriva, were afraid to visit due to all bus wrecks.
There is only me
We decided to travel with a car and a caravan for Portugal, as the prices in Orgiva were too high for us. After driving around living in different places and looking for land it was obvious that the perfect piece of land was not so easy to find. We also understood that there were many people just like us who wanted to find their dream only to find themselves all alone in the middle of nowhere with economical stress. I heard many stories about communities that had perished because of conflict and met many people struggling with their own relationships. It seams like we are all quite difficult people. We all have our own issues that sometimes, under certain circumstances, take over and get out of hand.
Our relationship was getting more and more difficult as well. I just wanted some peace of mind. I could not take it, and I did not know how to handle it. We wanted to stay together and we wanted to solve our problems, but how?
The problem in our relationship for me was that I thought of myself as a kind and loving husband and that I was doing good. I saw the difficulties that my partner had and I thought that if only she could change, it would all be good. Always when arguing over something I compared myself to her and I could not see why I was to be blamed when she was behaving far worse.
I can now see that this way of thinking did not help me. It is not about comparing yourself to other people and justifying your own behavior based on if you are better or worse. You can only look at yourselves and see if you are acting in a gentle and honorable way or not. Many times I was not acting in an honorable way, but instead of changing this I made excuses for my behavior. The proper response to having a difficult situation is never to start acting wrongly yourself but instead, look at solutions where you can stay in honor. If the relationship was too difficult then the answer would be to change the relationship, not to get angry. If there was no way to repair the relationship then to accept this and end the relationship would be an option. There is always a way to stay in honor of whatever problems you might encounter.
It came to a point where I just had enough and did not want to be a part of this anymore. My partner went with the kids to Lisbon to get away for a few days, only long enough for me to understand that I needed to make another effort. I would try to be the perfect husband and to always be supportive, kind and positive. If I did this last effort I would know if it was possible.
The commitment to be a perfect husband changed all this. I promised my self and my partner never to argue and to always be kind under all circumstances. I understood that I needed to find a way to unconditional love and that I always would work to improve myself regardless of how or what anyone else was doing. I had to do it myself.
I was doing good and the family life took a great step forward, not unlike the time I was doing the positivity training with the rastafari. It lasted for a couple of months but in the end, I could not continue. Even when I tried the hardest I could, doing most of the cleaning, taking a lot of responsibility and always were nice and kind, my partner was not satisfied. I could not make her happy. We decided to create separate spaces and I moved out of the caravan and into the tipi. The mystery of how to make the relationship work remained, but I thought that I was on to something.
Peace in mind
We should all treat each other as good friends. Friends usually do not have big fights. When you do not want to spend more time together you just go back home. When you live with someone else for a long time you often start taking your partner for granted. Instead of being happy about what is working you start feeling more and more irritated for the needs that are not being met. But we can not expect our partner to be able to meet all of our needs. We have to take responsibility for our own needs and make sure we have support from several friends, not only our partner. To live separate can be a good start. Then you have your own space where you can retreat to when things get out of hand. This make both partners aware that we have to take care of each other if we want to spend time together.
Our relationship went through several dips before getting better, but finally, it changed. My partner had a realization that she had to accept me as I was. Either she wanted to be in a relationship with me or she did not, and she chose to stay with me. It did not take very long until our relationship started to work again. She had accepted me including all the small things that I did that she did not like. Once you truly accept someone for who they are, you do not need to get angry. Anger is always a sign of that something is not right inside yourself. When we chose to support and help each other, no matter what, you can be calm at all times. Instead of blaming your partner, you try to comfort and help.
I once heard about a Muslim tradition from one of my friends that I always have remembered. In that tradition, you had to get married before being intimate, but the marriage would not be for life. Instead, you choose a time for the marriage to last and you vowed to support each other during this time. It could be anything from one day to many years. After the time was out you could always marry again. I always found it to be a good way to relate to intimate relationships. To me the beauty of it was that you made a devotion. A devotion to your partner to give them unconditional love. In my relationship, I often felt that I got her love only if I acted in a way she wanted. If we instead choose to love each other fully for a chosen time, we could feel relaxed for that time. And when that time was over we can evaluate the relationship together and decide if we want to continue. This tradition can help us from the fear of getting too deep into a relationship while and at the same helping us to be able to give our fullest.
The key to a successful marriage is simple. Love each other, all the time. That’s whats it´s all about. There is no time to criticize and complain. You just have to choose to love each other for better and for worse. Sure, there will be times of conflict and you will need to express what you like and what you do not like, but the key remains. If you want to be in a relationship with someone. Love each other fully.
In this time we decided to have another child. My partner had been talking about it for a while and her longing grew stronger. Soon we had another boy, Arjuna. It was a good time, and for a few years, our family did quite well.
To travel to Spain and Portugal gave us a completely new understanding of how life was for many people. In both Spain and Portugal people were poor. This was around 2012 and the economy had been slow for several years. The small farms that were scattered around the countryside were largely abandoned. People could not survive as farmers and the cities attracted all the young people.
The people who tried moving out to the countryside were mostly foreign ex-pats, trying to get a new self-sufficient life. They usually spent their last savings buying the land and were left with a half finished house and no source of income. With no real experience of gardening, it did not matter how many books they had been reading about permaculture. Still not many vegetables on the table.
Many people were hoping to attract other people to their projects. It might all seem nice and easy but in reality, there were not many people that I met that managed to make it work. The whole problem of ownership, ego, and power soon create conflicts. Either the guests were too lazy (in the host’s opinion), or the hosts to controlling (in the guest’s opinion).
Another problem was the building regulations. It is almost impossible to build a house legally without spending a small fortune. Building permissions were hard to get and the plots with permission were much more expensive. This left almost everyone we encountered to build illegal houses. They lived on the edge of society, trying to make the best out of a difficult situation. This created a serious problem where a lot of people were trying to escape the cities only to become second-grade citizens, living in a gray area, outside of the law.
This experience gave me new perspectives to my understanding of the law, banking, globalization and our right to live in freedom. All this abandoned land that was crying out for attention and people who wanted to live there, but they were not allowed to make themselves even a little hut to live in.
Strategies for peace
During the last years, my work with social issues had come to a halt, but I still had my dreams in my head. When we were to find a suitable place and the kids had something to do I would start inviting people, hosting gatherings and engaging once again in political activism. This was a strong calling that I had and I knew that I was to create a space where people with the same love for peace would gather and share knowledge with each other. I spent countless hours thinking about systems of organization and recommendations for how to build, grow food and more. I wanted to do everything that I could think of to help other people to become peacekeepers. Together with my partner, we started to compile the most important of this information into a peace strategy that I called the united awakening that is to be found later in this book.
I was working with my partner for half a year, writing and filming, to create a video presentation of the strategy. This was a good time for us. We could feel the happiness of working for the betterment of the world and life was good. At the time we were living in a valley in Portugal owned by some friends of ours. The children were running about most of the day playing with each other in the forest, having a good time as well. We were filming in the days and I was editing it on my computer. We only had one solar panel connected to a car battery and was completely off grid. I enjoyed the simple life and it was amazing to be able to combine hi-tech with low-tech with such ease.
The core of the strategy is to join together in small circles. A circle is a group of about five friends who come together with a common intention to create positive change. Every circle is independent and can act alone. The reason for having a small circle are many. In a small and intimate group, you will feel secure, and you will be able to speak your mind where you otherwise would remain silent. If you have too many people in the same group it will be impossible for everyone to be heard and the people who are the strongest and loudest will take over control. In a small circle the ruling mentality will not have the same power. I believe that this is the greatest key to our success. If we can start organizing in small circles of five we can take back our independence and start acting with great power.
To work efficiently in the circle we create a strategic overview. This is a document where you look at the most important information and create a complete picture of the situation. We look at the problems that we face, the cause for those problems, our vision for the future and a plan of action. In this way, it is easy to find the common issues that we share with each other and enable us to act together in unity.
To become even stronger we can start connecting the circles together. To begin with, you will be able to be in several circles at the same time and information and ideas will be able to spread in-between the circles. We can also create a positive structure by connecting many circles into the same fractal network. You do this by choosing a representative from each circle to meet with each other and create a new circle of five This can continue until all circles are connected in an inner circle. The network is able to scale to any size and still be efficient and simple to work with. In this way we can share all the best ideas from all people and we can use the same network to employ directed united action on a massive scale.
The first function of the circles is to create a strong base of support to heal ourselves and understand how we can act to benefit ourselves and the earth. To do so we need to work with ourselves and listen to our inner wounds and regain our true power. The coaching is a key tool for this work that we can use to support each other in a profound way.
At the same time, we must start standing up for what is right by confronting the problems. We need to work both with inner and outer healing at the same time as they are interconnected and in a way the same. The tools to address the problems with society are also the same and by applying positive communication we will be able to make ourselves heard and at the same time remain in honor by using a kind but firm language.
When we join together we will have the power to create true change. We can find a common point of interest and start working to transform society in a positive direction. Much of this work will be to educate the people in the system in how to take responsibility and stand up for what is right. We are not the enemy of the systems. We are the real system, and we will work for the benefit of society.
I believe that one of the most important focus points is to reform democracy itself. We do not have a real democracy today, only something that resembles it on the outside. In a true democracy, we need to vote for people who we really trust. We need to vote on a local level only, and not on political parties, but on real people to create positive structures. There are also many more issues that need our immediate care. Banking needs to be decentralized and community run. Agriculture needs to be reformed to be healthy and safe. We need a school that really cares for our children and educates them to become responsible and caring adults. We need to reform law so that we have free access to land and water by redistributing resources. All this and more need to be addressed, but this is only fully valuable to discuss when we can come together and cooperate.
From the ash to the fire
My relationship with my stepson Luciano had a lot of problems. He was a true rebel and since he was born he had a will of iron. We had been trying hard to get him to respect us as his parents and to listen and do what we asked. This was not working. At one point he was away in Sweden staying with his grandmother for a while, and this gave me time to think about our relationship. I felt strong compassion for him as he had been so alone. Not being able to connect with the rest of the family. Many times having both me and his mother complaining or disciplining him one one way or another. I decided to change this and to stop trying to change him at all and instead give my unconditional love to him whatever problems he made for himself.
This was another breakthrough for us and it did not take long until we started to build a strong relationship towards each other. He started to respect me and was showing gratitude towards me. I was very happy to see that we were getting along better and I thought that this could be what he needed to feel safe and to start to develop more peace that he so desperately needed.
My new way of acting was not compatible with his mother as she still tried to use her authority towards him. I took it upon myself to intervene and stand up for our son when I felt that he was given unjust treatment. This created more problems than I could anticipate. My relationship with Luciano grew stronger but I got new problems with my partner who felt that I was undermining her.
At this time we were living in a small community in Portugal. We had been looking for land and projects in many different places in Portugal but never found anything that matched our needs. I was planning a trip to the south of Portugal to look at some pieces of land around Monchique, the only mountain in Algarve. It was Friday night and I was offered a lift close to Monchique where there was going to be a pizza party that night. I was going to hitchhike my way around and stay out for a week or so. As I prepared my things my son Gabriel who was around 7 at the time asked if he could join me. The idea sounded great to me. We had never been away for a longer time together only him and me and this was going to be a real adventure. Soon we were both ready and jumped into the car. Once at the pizza party I found a new friend who not only would let us sleep in his van that night but would also drive us to our first piece of land that we were scheduled to see the next day. The following week we saw many different plots of land and found new and old friends that we stayed with. At the end of the week, we had still seen nothing of great interest but it was time to return back.
We were lucky to get another ride with the friend we met at the pizza party. On the way back we were to pass through Aljezur, a town on the west coast close to the ocean. I had heard some good things about this place but also that it was expensive and hard to find anything in that area for less than a fortune. I asked my friend to show us a bit of Aljezur. He was happy to do so and as we came into Aljezur he went right passed the small town and took a small road leading into a valley just on the back of Aljezur. Driving the small dirt road for about eight kilometers I was astonished of the beauty. At the bottom of the valley, there was a river surrounded by green fields of grass. I saw in my mind how this place could be so full of life with people and children playing. My friend took us straight up to a place called Pero Negro and showed us a small footpath into the forest, eventually leading to a natural pool in the river. It was a warm day and we were playing and swimming for a while. We did not have more time to see anything else of Aljezur or the surroundings so after this we headed straight back home. As I looked out of the window of the car passing through the valley again, I could feel that this was the place for us.
Just a week later I decided to visit this valley again. This time I set out with Luciano on bikes and we brought our camping equipment, we were going to have a better look. It was a 30 km bike ride and it took us two days to get there. Once there we went from place to place that we passed in the valley and asked the people that we met if there was anything for sale or somewhere that we could stay for a while. All the answers we got were in the same style. That it was hard to find anything and that we apparently were one of many who came looking for land in this valley every year.
Along the way, we met a few nice people and we were invited to come and visit different places. We stayed for a few days but we could not find any good leads on how we could get closer to finding a place to buy or rent in the area. I was a bit frustrated that nothing had turned up but still determined. So much that I decided that it was time for us to leave the comfort of our house in the community and move to Aljezur. We packed all our things into our van. Without any final destination, we set off once again to the valley that was calling me so strongly.
We drove up the valley and I looked out through the window at the green fields, the mountains on the sides and the lush nature that seemed to be greener than anywhere else I had been before. As we came to a beautiful spot we drove down on a small track and parked our van under the shade of some trees to spend the night. The very next morning we woke up hearing a car coming on the small track near us. We got up and stopped the car to ask some questions. It was a farmer going to feed his pigs. After just a couple of minutes it stood clear that he was the owner of the land just next to where we were parked and that he was willing to sell it to us for a fair price. He also offered us to stay on the land while we were waiting to buy the land.
It was amazing. The land was calling for me and now it was to be ours. But it was to take more time and patience before I could buy the land as there were many more owners that needed to approve and sign the contract. We waited and waited, and waited. It was always “just” 2 months until the contract was to be signed, but the months turned into years. It took about two years in total until all was set.
A new start
During that time waiting to finalize the contract many things happened. My relationship with my partner was still not working well. We were struggling and it was getting worse. We managed to rent a nice house close to the land and had the best possible conditions, but my partner grew more dissatisfied with each day. Not long before signing the contract she decided to separate with me and to leave with the kids back to Sweden. It came as an initial shock to me. We had made a pact to stay with each other for the sake of the children and now finally we had a real possibility to get what we wanted.
I did not know what to do, but I could not abandon this dream. It was all coming together and I felt that it was the right thing for me. So I decided to stay behind and take on the project alone. First I thought that it was going to be hard. That I would miss them too much and that the pain would be overwhelming, I braced myself awaiting the pain to come. The weeks passed and turned into months, but I was fine. Instead, deep satisfaction and joy arose in me. I was finally free. I had gone through all this time struggling for the sake of the family, but in reality, it was not doing them any good. We were better off living totally separate. It was suddenly so clear to me that this relationship had been my main problem all along and that this was the best way to go. I had been trying to fix something that was not ever going to work.
I would never choose to leave the family and it is said that we could not create our dream together, but better to accept what is not working than to cling to it. It all turned out very different from what I had in mind, but very possible, better then I could have imagined. Now I had all the time in the world to focus on my practice and to create a space for people to come and train with me. The children were enjoying themselves in Sweden, and I had the possibility to visit them when I wanted to.